from now on my penis is your penis
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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