This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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