I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
