you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
