i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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