Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
