You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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