he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
