this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
