you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
