I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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