We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I just got carded by a ten year old.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
