My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
