this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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