five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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