I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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