i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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