According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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