Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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