the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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