She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
he just fucked me for my cheese.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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