You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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