I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Randomize
