You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
