We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
