i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
How does one acquire holy water?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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