I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
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