Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Randomize
