the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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