i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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