If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
