Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
