Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
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