i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
