she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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