call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
