Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
