Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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