My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
