Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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