Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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