Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
