so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
