the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
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