so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
