i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
