I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
