so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
