Where is the hickey?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
