On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
