Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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