i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
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