I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
