Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
whose parrot is this?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
