omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
