The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize