the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
