dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Randomize
