He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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