I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
The uberlube is also flammable
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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