I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Randomize
