He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
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