He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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