Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
