Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
