how can u be prego again
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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