I just pynch a tree in the face
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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