just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
