I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
