Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
There r osticjed everywhere
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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