I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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