sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize